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12.21.00
  Separate and Equal (for now...) When you fall in love with someone, so often you start out glued together every waking and sleeping moment, and your lives blend together so seamlessly that the step of living together makes sense long before the possibility of marriage. Getting married is so terribly...permanent. But living together...well, you don't have the pressure of divorce if it doesn't work. Trey, 26, said that when he and his then girlfriend (now wife) moved in together, they concentrated on more immediate relationship goals, but that marriage was not on his mind. "We wanted to be together, but we were not forcing the issue of marriage." There are a lot of advantages to living together. If you're close to the same size, the girl gets to double her sweater and boxer wardrobe. Sharing things, when you're ready for it, can be a great experience. 
An obvious advantage is the living expenses issue. One rent
is cheaper than two. Kim, 21, says money was a factor when she and
her then-boyfriend-now-husband moved in together, but that it was the
opportunity for closeness that was the true bonus. "I missed him all
the time when he wasn't around...so I thought we should get over the
cheesiness of debating whether or not it was socially acceptable."
Michael, 28 and a new father, puts it this way "I knew I was doomed
from the word go." We'll assume he means "doomed" in a good way.
Convenient locations can come into play, too. Ray, an account executive, confirms this. "She lived close to where I worked." Fortunately for them, they're still together despite the crash-pad beginnings of their cohabitation. But I won't do it yet, and my reasoning is equally practical. It's about my stuff. I've lived alone for so long that I'm worried about the day when I have to share it. Between my books, (probably 700 to 1000 of them), furniture, and a ton of cooking materials (that's my hobby), I don't exactly travel light through life anymore. When I consent for someone else to use my chef's knife or bubble bath or whatever, whenever they want to, it will be forever. I know the transition will be rough, and I don't want to make it until I know we're in it for good. That's one reason for my choice. Then there's the emotional side. I've watched the pain of several couples who have moved in together to "try it out," only to have to go through discovering that it was a mistake, and go through the split. 
A study out of Rutgers University a couple of years ago told us that
the likelihood of divorce is higher for couples who live together out
of wedlock. Few people go into marriage figuring it's temporary, but
I cannot imagine anything more painful than the process of pulling
your lives apart once you've merged them, whether you're married or
not.
That's why I reason that, if I'm sure enough that someone is The One for me to become engaged to him, then it's ok to move in. Because at that point, both of us would believe this is It, and that we're only moving forward from there. There will be a date on the calendar before we set foot in the door, and that's that. |
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 For ad details and prices... susan@FemmeJolie.com Of course, it's a personal decision. I know that there are people who are more generous with their possessions and more brave with their hearts than I am, and for those people, living together isn't such a big deal. There are even people (like another of my coworkers) who believe that living together is as meaningful a commitment as marriage--that extra step is not necessary to them. Then there's my sister, who keeps telling me that I shouldn't even think about moving in unless I'm actually married. Of course, she's been burned twice by that particular stove, and so she is cautious on my behalf. People are different, and I say do what makes you feel right--but think it through first. 
A reader wrote me a long letter describing her concerns about her friend and the relationships she is developing online. Here is an excerpt from the letter:
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